Marjorie Gross: January 2011 Archives

In the process of becoming, we can become out of balance temporarily, but know it is only a phase and will pass.

We are all almost always in the process of learning something new, developing an underused ability or talent, or toning down an overused one. Some of us are involved in learning how to speak up for ourselves, while others are learning how to be more considerate. In the process of becoming, we are always developing and fine tuning one or the other of our many qualities, and it is a natural part of this process that things tend to get out of balance. This may be upsetting to us, or the people around us, but we can trust that it‚s a normal part of the work of self-development. 

For example, we may go through a phase of needing to learn how to say no, as part of learning to set boundaries and take care of ourselves. During this time, we might say no to just about everything, as a way of practicing and exploring this ability. Like a child who learns a new word, we want to try out this new avenue of expression and empowerment as much as we can because it is new and exciting for us and we want to explore it fully. In this way, we are mastering a new skill, and eventually, as we integrate it into our overall identity, it will resume its position as one part of our balanced life. 

In this process, we are overcompensating for a quality that was suppressed in our life, and the swinging of the pendulum from under-use to overuse serves to bring that quality into balance. Understanding what's happening is a useful tool that helps us to be patient with the process. In the end, the pendulum settles comfortably in the center, restoring balance inside and out. 

Marjorie Gross is a Holistic Counselor in private practice in Albany, NY.  She can be reached by phone at 518-862-1974 ext 95 or via email at therapist@nycap.rr.com.  Visit her website at www.psychosynthesist.com

Sometimes

if you move carefully

through the forest

breathing

like the ones

in the old stories

who could cross

a shimmering bed of dry leaves

without a sound,

you come

to a place

whose only task

is to trouble you

with tiny

but frightening requests

conceived out of nowhere

but in this place

beginning to lead everywhere.

Requests to stop what

you are doing right now,

and

to stop what you

are becoming

while you do it,

questions

that can make

or unmake

a life,

questions

that have patiently

waited for you,

questions

that have no right

to go away.

~ David Whyte ~

(Everything is Waiting for You)

Many people have turned their lives and fortunes around, while others spend years trying to change with or without counseling, but never seem to progress. What makes the difference? Certainly, there are skilled and unskilled psychotherapists. Counseling can make a huge difference and help you traverse the obstacles to change, but success lies in the individual.

You are changing constantly - your temperature, cells, thoughts, and fluids - but the longer you repeat a physical or mental pattern, the more it becomes ingrained and resistant to change. For most people, change seems hard, writes psychiatrist Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled, because they drift into a mode of being or bad habits, and allow external events and circumstances.

For most people, change is possible, but it's difficult if you have a character disorder. Hence genetics and early upbringing are factors. If you're depressed, treating the depression in counseling is the first step in change. On the other end of the spectrum, if your self-esteem, self-discipline, and support system are good, change is easier. Personality type matters, too. People who are anxious or are fearful are less likely to try new behavior, even if their present condition is less desirable - fear of the unknown is for them worse than the pain of the familiar. Consider the two characters in the film, Papillion. After escaping a brutal prison camp in French Guyana, Steve McQueen's character jumped from a cliff onto an ocean raft to seek a new life, while Dustin Hoffman's character preferred to remain isolated on the island, free, but still a prisoner of the island.

Read the expanded article to see my outline of the process of change and discussion on some of the obstacles. Although there are distinctions between internal change, such as growing in self-esteem, and external change, both begin within.

If only I had a new car or a new house. Turn external thinking into internal thinking, it isn't about the car or house.

Often, when we're unhappy, we fall into the habit of thinking that, if only one or two particular things in our life would change, everything would be fine. We might focus on the fact that we need a new car, or a raise, or a change in our living situation. We dwell on this one thing and strategize, or complain, or daydream about what it would be like to have it. Meanwhile, underneath the surface, the real reason for our unhappiness sits unrecognized and unaddressed. And yet, if we are able to locate and explore the underlying cause of our discontent, all the surface concerns have a way of working themselves out in the light of our realization. 

Maybe we really do just need a new car, and maybe moving to another city would improve our life situation. However, it can only help to take some time to explore what's going on at a deeper level. Sometimes, when we take a moment and stop focusing on external concerns, we get to the heart of the matter. We might realize that all our lives we've been dissatisfied, grasping at one thing after another, only to be dissatisfied about something else once we get what we want. Or perhaps we'll notice a pattern of running away from a place, or a relationship, when things get too hard. We might then wonder why this keeps happening, and how we might work through the difficulty rather than just escaping it. The point is, slowing down and turning our attention within can save us a lot of energy in the long run, because it is very often the case that there is no external change that will make us happy. 

Once you've taken the time to inquire within, you can begin to make changes that address the deeper issue. This can be hard at first, especially if you've grown used to grasping for outside sources in order to quell your discontent, but in the end, you will be solving the problem at a deeper level, and it will be much less likely to recur.