Does Counseling Help: February 2011 Archives

Often, when we're unhappy, we fall into the habit of thinking that, if only one or two particular things in our life would change, everything would be fine. We might focus on the fact that we need a new car, or a raise, or a change in our living situation. We dwell on this one thing and strategize, or complain, or daydream about what it would be like to have it. Meanwhile, underneath the surface, the real reason for our unhappiness sits unrecognized and unaddressed. And yet, if we are able to locate and explore the underlying cause of our discontent, all the surface concerns have a way of working themselves out in the light of our realization.

Maybe we really do just need a new car, and maybe moving to another city would improve our life situation. However, it can only help to take some time to explore what's going on at a deeper level. Sometimes, when we take a moment and stop focusing on external concerns, we get to the heart of the matter. We might realize that all our lives we've been dissatisfied, grasping at one thing after another, only to be dissatisfied about something else once we get what we want. Or perhaps we'll notice a pattern of running away from a place, or a relationship, when things get too hard. We might then wonder why this keeps happening, and how we might work through the difficulty rather than just escaping it. The point is, slowing down and turning our attention within can save us a lot of energy in the long run, because it is very often the case that there is no external change that will make us happy.

Once you've taken the time to inquire within, you can begin to make changes that address the deeper issue. This can be hard at first, especially if you've grown used to grasping for outside sources in order to quell your discontent, but in the end, you will be solving the problem at a deeper level, and it will be much less likely to recur.

I'm actually much more of a proponent of "going with the flow" then going against it. And sometimes forcing yourself to do something you don't want to do can be considered going against the flow.

But I do that for a different reason, and not everyone would agree.

I have two schools of thought. On the one hand, expansion is inevitable. We're always called to become more than we are in life. It's the nature of being human.

On the other hand, there's something called "homeostasis." Like a thermostat that's set to a certain temperature, it will always self-regulate. If it gets too hot, the air will kick in to bring it to a cooler temperature. If it gets too cold, it will start flowing hot air. Whatever the gauge is set to, the thermostat will regulate.

Similarly, there's an unconscious process within us that self-regulates. We have relationship set points, money set points, and weight set points. We have comfort zones--sometimes ones that we're completely unaware of.

That's why people who win the lottery can go back to being at the same level of income or bankrupt in less than 6 years. Their unconscious financial set point didn't change because they won a million dollars.

Like the thermostat programmed to monitor the gauge, their unconscious thermostat brought them back to where they were comfortable. They can win millions and within years, they are back to where they started.

I suspect that if you redistributed the wealth in the country and equalized it among all people, it would re-distribute exactly the same way within 3 years, according to people's set points.

I say all of that to say this: Yes, expansion is our nature, but we also come up against our own homeostasis--our own comfort zone. We don't want to move out of what we know.

So, when I force myself to try something new, or get out of my comfort zone, it's my attempt at moving the gauge manually (if we are going with the thermostat analogy).

I want to be comfortable playing in a bigger sand box.

I may be uncomfortable placing myself there for the first time, but if that's where I want to be, I want to know what it feels like there so I can make that my new comfort zone.

We have set points, comfort zones that most of us, for our whole lives don't leave. And I'm not a proponent of doing stuff just to be uncomfortable.

If there is a flow that is already happening, I'm all for going with it.

But if you are here and you want to be there, you do have to wade through what keeps you stuck.

It's going to tell you that you need to stay because it's safe, and you're comfortable, and why change? But at some point, if you want something more, or at the very least different, you're going to need to step out to discover what's on the other side.

If you want something different. Not everyone does. But freedom has always been my quest. Every fear I overcome is a freedom gained.

I liken life to living in a huge mansion with many rooms. Why occupy only two rooms when you have the whole house? The whole property? I want to be free to roam--to know that everywhere is home.

How do we know when to push out of our comfort zone and when to go with the flow? I say, go with the flow as it flows and then when you come up against your own resistance, take the leap.

Be bold, be bold, and everywhere be bold.