August in these parts is all about Saratoga, and Saratoga is all about horse racing
August in these parts is all about Saratoga, and Saratoga is all about horse racing. Welcome sports fans to this month’s back page, where together we are going to engage in a little horse play. Quick, what’s the funniest name ever given to a racehorse? If you said Tossthejockey you might be right. Or how about Bowlegbilly? I’llruinya is a pony I’m excited to put my money on right alongside Onewaytickettothegluefactory. Yes, these are actual names of real thoroughbred horses who have stomped along at various tracks taking your dreams and dollars with them.
Horse racing is a tough and expensive game and most people won’t end up in the winner’s circle, so I appreciate someone who decides right out of the gate that if the horse can’t win, at least they can have some fun. And if you look at some of the funnier names given to horses you can definitely see patterns emerge. Come along for a quick ride with me.
At the age of five, boys figure out that anything involving bodily functions is hilarious and it would seem that as ‘boys’ get older they never lose that sense of humor. Why else would we have horses named Gottapee, Takeawiz and Flushflushflush?
Horse ownership must lead to a lot of divorce because that is certainly a theme that pops up again and again. Let’s see, we have Cheapertokeepher, DivorcemeC.O.D., and the always popular, Horsesanddivorces. Then you have that horse name that captures perfectly what happens in the months before divorce papers are served: Cocktailsandlies.
Women should be careful dating a rich guy who owns horses, but doesn’t take rejection well. You might pick up the sports section and see a horse called MuttfaceAllison. Not to be confused with Shesalil’hussy or the equally cruel Butterface.
Don’t forget guys that women can own horses too and turnabout is fair play. This has no doubt led to horses with names like Screwloosebruce, Spinelessjellyfish, and the perfect name if your 50-year-old husband leaves you for a 19-year-old, Datemoreminors. And, if the man in your life cheats on you but won’t take responsibility, might I suggest the aptly named WhounzippedmyLevis.
People who love their alcohol and prescription drugs might want to bet an exacta of Shotajackdaniels and Anitaxanax. The horses Neverwakeupadrunk and Allineedisrehab will be appearing later on today’s card.
Then there are some horse owners who deliberately want to have fun with the track announcer. Why else would you put a jockey on a horse named Bucknaked? “And down the stretch they come, Jose Santos is riding Buck Naked and the crowd seems to like it.” Oh, and if you are a ‘clothing optional’ kind of person, make sure to put $5 bucks on Goingcommando. I’m not kidding; these are real names of race horses.
Saratoga’s track announcer Tom Durkin has a great sense of humor telling me, “John, when you get a crazy name you just have to go with it.” One of his favorites, especially for you singers is, Doremifasolatido. By far, my favorite call of Durkin’s was last July 28th at Saratoga when a horse named Arrrrr cruised to victory. He totally went into Pirate mode screaming, “They’re down to the finish and its Arrrrr, Arrrrrrrr, Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.” I swear he held that last “Arrrrr” for 20 seconds.
If you’re heading to the track to bet, heed the advice I was given by Hall Of Fame Jockey Pat Day. He asked me to hand him a $20 bill and said, “You want a sure way to double your money?” After nodding ‘yes’, he folded the bill in half, handed it back, smiled and walked away.
If you’re heading to the track to flirt (and you know you shouldn’t be) I suggest you behave or you’ll be hiring Divorcelawyerjay and spendin’ the rest of your life a broke Crankypants.
I leave you with two final thoughts using the names of real horses to make my point.
Guys – If you drink too much Alcohol and have your Beergoggleson, please remember that even if the Girlsgotskills, Jillmissedapill and nine months from now you’ll realize your Funisover and you could have serious Moneyissues. So lose the Pickuplines, put down the Mudweiser and get ready to make a Runfordiapers.
Ladies – While Badgirlshavefun and it looks like you’re having Dinnerwithawinner, remember Prince Charming may be Missbehavin and feeding you a Lineofbull. So, unless he has Moremoneythanbrains and wants to make you his Partnerincrime or his Bridleoffrankenstein, you should tell him to cry you a Viagra River cause you’re Runningtodeborder.
If you go to the track, enjoy the Tulipsandjuleps and bet on the long shots because Youneverno. And if you do meet someone special there’s only one thing to say: Yourbarnormine!
John Gray is a Fox23 News anchor and contributing writer at the Troy Record. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org