Hi! It’s us. All of us. We know you didn’t know that we knew each other. But we do. And we’ve been talking.
You see, Mike. Stephanie seems nice. Really nice. Like that you’re-such-a-cool-person-I-want-to-hate-you-but-I-can’t sort of nice.
And we’ve all decided that since
we don’t hate you anymore everyone except Amber doesn’t hate you anymore (we’ll get to that later), we feel it just wouldn’t be right to let you screw things up. Again.
It’s been SEVEN girlfriends, Mike. SEVEN.
Now, you started dating Stephanie a few weeks after Valentine’s last year, and we can tell you’re pretty invested in this relationship (btw, your one-year anniversary is coming up so stop reading and go mark that on your calendar. Now, Mike. We’re not kidding. Sam can still see your Google, so we will know.)!
Obviously the pressure is on, and we really do want to help you finally – finally – succeed. (Mostly so we can stop having these meetings to welcome new members. The amount of wine involved is starting to get expensive, Mike.)
That brings us to this constructive and brief history of your worst Valentine’s Day gift ideas:
Kayla – A Card Reading “I ain’t never had a friend like you”
Despite this card’s nod to Kayla’s Disney obsession, we just… we cannot.
Katie – Gas Station Jewelry
Really, Mike. This one wasn’t your fault. Who could have predicted that your hurried rush into the Quick Mart by campus wouldn’t result in an overjoyed girlfriend who just loved your thoughtful gift of a mood ring so you could “tell when it was ‘that time'”?
Jess – Enough Chinese Food to Feed a Small Army
Pros: The delivery guy shrieked in horror at the sight of Jess’s tear-streaked mud mask and dove into the elevator so quickly she didn’t even have a chance to tip.
Cons: See “Pros.” Also, he dropped the food.
Rachel – Collection of Herbal Teas
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, HUH? ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY I’M TOO UPTIGHT?!
Amy – Organic Flowers (And Their Little Bugs, Too)
Pro tip: Next time, go for the pesticides.
Sam – Proactiv Subscription
We all know about your Julianne Hough crush, but REALLY? (Though Sam would like to say thank you because her skin is now as smooth as a baby’s bottom and she and Adam are doing great.)
Amber – Peanut Butter of the Month Club
This should have been so easy, Mike. Her name is literally a type of jewelry.
(She’s doing fine, by the way. And after the anaphylaxis was under control, she really hit it off with Dr. Cohen in the emergency room!)
But back to Stephanie. We totally have faith that you can learn from your mistakes, but just in case, here’s this Valentine’s Guide to get you started.
Definitely not with love,
Katie, Jess, Rachel, Kayla, Amy, Sam, and (sigh, I guess) Amber