By Diane E. Lykes, LCSW
There is a secret when it comes to finding love. It won’t surprise you when you hear it, but it is often forgotten.
For some, looking for love has become synonymous with looking for a job. Many people are working very hard to find their perfect match. Sometimes it may feel as though we have switched over from Monster.com to Match.com. However, for a lot of people, this has led to endless dates that lead nowhere. Until we learn the secret for a lasting relationship, speed dates, blind dates or Internet dates will not result in a 1ong-term relationship.
Consider pausing for a moment to learn more about this age-old secret for finding love. Perhaps you will discover that you no longer have to work so hard to find love…because love will find you.
Simply stated, the secret is this: When you are strong, confident and happy, you attract love. When you feel good about who you are and what you have to offer, you attract a healthy partner who appreciates and values you. In this healthy place, you no longer have to search for love. Self-love emanates from you and people are completely drawn to your positive energy.
Unfortunately, the reverse is also true. When your heart has been broken, when you are living in fear that you will be hurt again and when you don’t love yourself you will emanate negative energy. This type of energy attracts unhealthy partners or sends the good ones packing after a few dates.
Finding your “MoJo”
“What’s the worst thing that can happen to a quarterback? He loses his confidence.” –Terry Bradshaw
So, how do you go from projecting negative energy to radiating confidence? The answer lies in serious self-evaluation. You will need to fully understand the “blocks” you may be putting in the way of relationship success.
To help accomplish this, try answering these questions to get a better sense of your “Mo Jo”- that magnetic quality that attracts others to you.
The top 10
1. What are you looking for?
2. What is holding you back?
3. What can you improve in yourself?
4. How will you accomplish this one step at a time?
5. What messages are you sending out?
6. What does your body language say when you are on a date?
7. Are you a complainer?
8. Do you talk about all your past relationships and broken hearts?
9. Do you feel that you are not worthy of love…that you are not good enough?
10. What messages has your mind taped and is replaying over and over that keeps you completely stuck?
If you are feeling stuck try some of these suggestions to get your mind moving in the right direction:
Act happy be happy: Researchers have found that just by acting happy and confident, you will become more happy and self-assured. How does this work? What you radiate to others is reflected back to you. People treat you with higher regard and want to be around you. This has a huge impact on your self-worth. Ask yourself this important question…how would your life change if you choose to not have low self-esteem?
Practice self-forgiveness: Forgive yourself for your past mistakes. Acknowledge what you did or what was done to you and move on. Really believe that whatever has happened is over.
Let go of the past: Know that whatever it is that you want, you deserve it. And you can have it when you stop believing that the past can control your life.
Take time to heal: If your heart needs time to heal, nurture it. Instead of looking for someone to take away your pain, take some time before entering the dating world to strengthen yourself. You will have a much better chance of attracting a healthier person in the long run. Exercise and get enough sleep to improve your mood and help you look and feel better.
Single and fabulous: Finally, are you telling yourself that you need to have a partner in order to be happy? The truth is that you do not need another person to “complete” you. You are complete just as you are and you have every opportunity to be happy right now. When you take care of yourself everyday and fill your life with rich experiences you will find that you stop searching.
So where do you find love?
Attracting someone means having the confidence and self-esteem to invite love and romance into your life. Take those first and difficult steps to look deep inside your heart. As you begin to feel stronger and happier, you will spread your positive energy all around you and you will meet people wherever you go. And, you just might find that this road to self-discovery also leads to love.
Diane Lykes is a Principal of Synergy Counseling Associates in Albany where she specializes in individual and couples counseling, educational training and clinical consultation. Synergy is a unique counseling practice providing compassionate, solution-oriented treatment for adults, children, adolescents and families. She can be reached at 466.3100 or